CIN BLOG ENTRY: Ghost World & Load Lightened

Here's a treat for the comprehensive reader. Two Blog Entries in one. Well, I thought I might combine them. The first one presents the problem. The second deals with the aftermath. A snapshot of before. And after. Of a time when I was burning the candle at both ends.
It was a time when I was like "too little butter, spread too thin over too much bread."

Walking in a Ghost World.
02:31pm 03/16/2005

I am SO sick of myself, right now.

I have spent entirely TOO MUCH time in my own company and I am OVER IT.

I have committed to TOO MANY projects right now. Too much stage time. Too many rehearsals. Too many shows to be viewed. Too many social engagements.

Too much.

As of this writing, I am involved with 5 separate performance groups. 5!!!

Performing (3), directing (1), stage designing (1). One of them use me once a month, and that is PERFECT for right now. Another one uses me twice a week and wants to add another night or two. Two of the others use me once a week (at least) with sporadic responsibilities elsewhere. The last one, honestly, has been put on hold, until I can get a free minute to give it the proper attention.

I get up at 6:30am. Work from 9:00 - 5:30, every weekday and then take a train to some theater for a show or a rehearsal. On the weekends, I catch the shows of friends that I am neglecting. And attend rehearsals.

Any time I am NOT at one of those theaters or working, I am home, sleeping.

It wasn't EGO that drove me to accept all of those responsibilities. It's GUILT. Some imagined, some blatantly expressed. From friends and acquaintences. Who pop up out of nowhere and say, "Can you do THIS for me?" or "I REALLY want you to do THAT for me" or "Wouldn't it be fun if we do THIS THING RIGHT HERE?" And I genuinely like the person who is asking me, and I say "Sure. I'll find time and we'll do that thing that you want to do."

My daily planner is covered in notes and reminders and showdates and rehearsals. A horrible mess of red and blue ink (red for shows/rehearsals, blue for everything else, black is for personal time. None of which is scheduled for the rest of March). I LOATHE opening it, because I KNOW its just going to show me how HELLISH the next two months are.

The ironic thing about over-extending yourself is how much it diminishes your pleasure for the things that you love. The overwhelming desire to AVOID EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING and stay home and watch TIVO is SO STRONG, that is creeps into everything else. Its less noticable to me, when onstage or in rehearsal, but the times I spend riding a train from one place to another, I think to myself "Wouldn't you just like to GO HOME and take a nap, right now?"

Add to that, I am being kept out late almost every weeknight. My head doesn't get anywhere near my pillow until almost 1:00 in the morning. Nearly EVERY night. So, I am running on roughly 5 hours of sleep. And I'm a big, fat guy. Big Fat Guys need to get their rest. Or they die of chest pains on the El Platform.

So, I am falling asleep on the train again. (Haven't done that in a while.) I am also nodding off, at my desk. I have to retrace steps and repeat things, to remember them. Its like a practice run for senility.

Other side effects that I've noticed?

I am less able to express myself in written form. Most of what I write is dry and rambling. I can't express coherent ideas very well, without MAJOR effort. And frequently, I forget what I am writing or what I am trying to say. I go back and try to get my thoughts back on track and the end result is a sort of jumpy mish-mash of ideas. Embarrasing, really.

Also, I am cranky, these days. I am less tolerant of foolishness and the bullshit that we, as humans, inflict upon each other. Half my cast is late for call for my show, and I have to CONSCIOUSLY tell myself, "Chill out. You can do nothing about this." when what I REALLY want to do, is yell at people. Anyone who has the bad fortune to be near me, really.

I am also ABSOLUTELY done with my own witticism.
The more time I spend in theaters and around improvisers, the more likely I am to be pulled into a bitfest. I am so FUCKING witty that I want to slap myself across the face. And I can't turn it off or play well with others. I can see in their eyes, they are thinking, "What the Hell is he talking about?" and the more I try to explain, the more convoluted it becomes and the more annoyed people get.
Similarly, I am ABSOLUTELY unable to relax and just talk to some people. For some people, I am "on" whether I want to be, or not. And I HATE IT. I annoy, even myself. And worse yet, that pattern of social interraction is now established and when they see me coming, if they're feeling game, they start in with the jabs. If I don't play along, they grow concerned and say, "Are you feeling all right?"

And I want to say, "No. I am tired. And WAY over-extended. I am weighed down by deadlines and responsibilities that I have to other people. My time belongs ENTIRELY to other people. I spend all of my spare money and time on exterior projects. I want to go home, eat something, masturbate, put on comfy clothes, watch some television and pass out on my couch, with my dog napping at my feet. And I don't want to wake up until summer. Wash, Rinse, Repeat."

I am walking in a ghost world.

Tossing off empty verbal banter because its expected.

Struggling otherwise to communicate.

Staying up too late. Getting up to early. Waking up on a moving train, worried that I might have missed my stop. Eating total garbage. Unable to relax and spend social time with the quiet, good people that keep me grounded.

I need a vacation.

From myself.

COB out...

Here's the second entry, from a week or two later. On the other side of that mess.

Load Lightened. (a bit). And Other News.
12:47pm 03/24/2005

My apologies for dumping about my schedule in the last post. I was a bit overwhelmed there, for a second. In fact, still am, but things are loosening up a little bit.

As of the end of this month, my Tuesdays nights are freeing up. Which is good. By the end of NEXT month, my Monday nights are freeing up, as well. Also, CIF will be past and that will be a HUGE load off. Lots to do there, still.

Come May, life will be honey and roses again. I'll be playing with International Stinger, performing once a week at Improv Kitchen, and going into the SLOW production period for a new show. (or two, or three, details to be announced, later).

My point is, the end of this leg of the race is in site. Some of it got a little easier THIS week and that'll make a BIG difference.

I found out some groovy, cool news yesterday and I thought I might bury it here, in this boring, non-descript post. Part of our responsibilities with CIF are acting as liaisons with some of the "Guests" who are staying in town for the Festival. I got my assignment, last night, and I couldn't be happier about it. I haven't been given clearance to say who I will be working with for the festival yet, but let me tease you with a hint that he is a former Compass Player and was heavily involved in the birth of this artform, which we practice, improv.
For three days, I will be in contact with him and his wife and will get to chat with him about what it was like, in those early days, when they didn't have 5,000 people doing it, in some capacity. I get a three day long, hard-lined download from one of the big guys and I am SUPER excited about it.

So, there's that. Mucho, Big, HUGE, props go out to Master J. Pitts for this Cherry assignment. He knows me well enough to know that I nearly crapped my pants, when I read the email from him.

So, I am excited about that.

In other, vauge news, I found out that a close personal friend HAD NOT sold out some of my trade secrets to some other folks. That was good. I was a little heart-broken about that. I am relieved to hear that he was nowhere NEAR the incident. That is good.

Last week, we had nearly a full house for "the monday show" which was a remarkable relief. That show is so tight, and so wonderful, when it is working, which it does about 80% of the time. (A solid ratio, if you ask me.) It really is designed and performed as a love letter to modern improvisers. I hear people, on the street, talking about the kind of Improv that THEY want to see and we've made this show as a response to that. I only wish that more of them could see it.

It is as if we (the cast and I) have built this exceptionally beautiful, clean, stylish garden for anyone and everyone to use and we are having trouble getting them to recognize that there is even a garden there, and then to give us the time to take a stroll into it.

The dozen or so, improvisers, who HAVE taken the time to check it out, all say the same thing, "That's a REALLY good show there. I will definitely come back and check it out." and " I wish more people were performing improv, like that." I might be hearing this, because they KNOW that I am the director and don't want to offend me. I prefer to think that they were genuinely touched or amused by the show. That is my hope, at least.

So, if you are an improviser, and you've SEEN a lot of improv lately and are in "bitz-overload", please know that some well-intentioned folks have put together a show, specifically for you. They've seen your weariness and have responded with something special for you. If you have the time free, come by and get your "dignity-meter" re-charged.

Cheers, for now.
COB

PS. Lets keep that thing about the CIF deal under our hats for now, eh? Thanks